If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
