It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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