I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
