dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love having hate sex.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
