I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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