Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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