When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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