Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
