I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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