Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
