It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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