i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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