I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
