Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
