its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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