how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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