break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's rum buckets o'clock
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
