the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
