Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
