theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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