ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize