is wine microwaveable?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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