I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize