I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
