i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
