the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
