I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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