my phone needs a breathalizer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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