everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
