i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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