Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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