so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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