I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
