I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
