Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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