I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
