my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
