My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
