i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
