It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
