Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
