apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
