Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
