Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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