i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
