Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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