I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
