once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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