i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
