Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
