This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
