good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
