Porn is love you can see.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
