when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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