Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
