i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
