My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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