Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
