The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize