Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
