Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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