There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
