I think I died a long time ago.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
