No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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