Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
