i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
