I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
