i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
