went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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